3 Things To Value in Friendships
I don’t need to be friends with everybody and in reality, I don’t even want to.
I used to though. High school me thought the most important thing was to be friends with everyone and I always felt like everyone had to like me.
Sort of carried that mentality into my first year of undergraduate. It resulted in me having a shit ton of acquaintances and maybe 1-2 friends, but not really.
By the time I graduated, what I started to need in relationships was changing and my friend circle got smaller but still kind of surface-level.
photographed by Frank Samuel
I’ve been out of school for 2 years and no longer have a “go-to friend circle.” Instead, I find myself hanging out with different groups of friends and can count the separate people closest to me on one hand. I can confidently say, I’m really happy about where I am right now. Here’s why-
I KNOW EXACTLY WHY I HANGOUT WITH THESE PEOPLE
Had you asked me in high school why I was friends with so-and-so, I would have not been able to give a good answer. I think I wanted friends for the sake of having friends. I can wholeheartedly tell you I’m friends with the people today because they hold me to a higher standard than I hold myself and by being around them, I desire to learn more, adventure more, and am encouraged to pursue more.I VALUE FRIENDS' MENTALITIES OVER ANYTHING
I don’t look for people who have similar hobbies or things in common. Moreover, it’s rare that I meet people who share the same interests as me, like public speaking, distance running, and waking up early. I find that I am attracted to people with healthy mentalities- people who stay curious, passionate, and most of all, true to themselves. I don’t vibe well with people who aren’t hungry and authentic.I CAN BE TRANSPARENT AND EXPECT TRANSPARENCY IN RETURN
You know what sucks? When you tell someone about the shit you’re going through and they respond with what they think you want to hear, like “aw that sucks” and “man, I’m sorry.” I don’t need that. Actually, no one needs that. What you need is brutal honesty and accountability. My closest friends are my #1 cheerleaders as well as my biggest critics. I’m confident they want me to be successful and they have a pattern of telling the truth, even when it’s difficult for me to hear.
I care about my relationships more than anything and when you make these kinds of friendships, you foster them. For me, that means calling once in awhile, handwriting letters when they get that new job, attending dance competitions, breakfasts at 7am on a weekday before work due to their crazy schedule, and trekking out to middle-of-nowhere Brooklyn. My friends are friends on purpose. It’s not based on convenience.
Why?
Because I care. Because I love. Because real connection with another person makes me happy.
But what’s the effect of this?
It means that you have to let some people go.
This was hard for me. We’re in this period of time where we feel guilt when we choose to cut someone off but the truth is that some relationships need to die, some people need to be unfollowed and defriended. We’re not supposed to be bound to the people in our past. I think we’re allowed to and should be selective with who we surround ourselves with.
For me, this mindset resulted in less coffee catch ups and more time with like-minded people. It meant that I stop trying to please everyone by saying “yes” to every offer to hangout. It meant that I begin to deliver each “no” with respect and humbleness to save my time and energy for the people who I actually like being around.
And we all know that who you surround yourself with has huge consequences. Gosh, there are tons of articles and research and speeches out there about this-
Like Tony Robbins’ pitch on how you become the people you spend time with...
or Jim Rohn’s famous quote on how you’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with…
or Tim Ferriss’ expansion on just that...
or this neuroscientist’s research on how this is most important decision you’ll ever make…
You get the point, right?
It is 100% okay to cut out the bad apples in your life and I have been on both sides of this- the one letting go and the one to have gotten let go.
Relationships are everything. You can take responsibility of having them with the people who you genuinely like because come on now, life is so damn short.