“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein

I was a straight A student

…until the 11th grade.

At 17, everything at home fell apart. In reality, it was never cozied up and held together to begin with.

What happened was my sister ran away from home. We had a police search report out for her. My father was angrier than I’ve ever seen him be. His behavior was unpredictable. The Department of Family Services was involved because I was technically a minor. My high school principal and guidance counselor were also pulled in.

I wanted to get the hell out of my house all the time.

It made sense to me why my sister needed to leave home. When I consider the relationship (or lack thereof) she had with our father, I knew she had to get out. She did it to save herself.

Our childhood was dark.

At home, I barely kept it together. I cried every night.

But at school, I cheerfully showed up, sharp as a tack.

My close friend, we’ll call her Bianca, and I were in the same grade and studied together. We were high performers— scoring at the top of our classes and making High Honor Roll each trimester.

In the 2nd half of high school, my grades slipped.

It was clear that all the shit happening at home was negatively affecting my studies. At that time, I thought being a top student was my life's purpose to keep me on track for success.

I saw permanently marked Bs and Cs on my report cards.

I showed up to class exams without studying.

I applied early decision to Dartmouth and got rejected.

I was disappointed in myself. I was exhausted in every way.

Meanwhile, Bianca kept her streak with good grades and later got accepted to her top Ivy League choices. I was so jealous.

Somewhere in my last year of high school, I told myself: It’s okay for you to have lower grades. It’s okay for you to be rejected from your dream school. This is all okay for you considering what you’re going through.

I was aware of the stress and pain I carried. I could feel the way it settled between my shoulder blades. I could sense the cloudiness it caused in my head. I could feel the tension in my jaw from the emotional disconnect I had with myself.

it was okay for me TO UNDERPERFORM and Here’s how i rationalized it

You see, I’ve been to Bianca’s house. I’ve met her parents. I’ve seen her room.

Bianca gets to go home every day to a safe place. She has two loving parents who morally support her.

But not you Kaila. You go home every day to a father who beats the shit out of you.

I PITIED MYSELF and i lowered THE bar FOR what I expected to do in life

And I did this for 1-2 years.

Getting through one day without a breakdown was a win. Spending time with my friends and feeling present was a win. Being able to focus when I was studied was a win.

Some time between highschool and college, by the grace of God, I woke up. I had the thought—

Why lower the bar on the one and only life i will EVER have?

Yes, I hated my father.

Yes, growing up was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Yes, the mental burden was one of the heaviest things I carried.

But my life is my responsibility and WHAT I wanted WAS more life

“It’s not somebody’s fault if their father was an abusive alcoholic, but it’s for damn sure their responsibility to figure out how they are going to deal with those traumas and make a life out of it.

Fault and responsibility do not go together, it sucks.

When something is somebody’s fault, we want them to suffer, we want them punished, we want them to pay, we want it to be their responsibility to fix it, but that’s not how it works.

Taking responsibility, accepting responsibility, is not an admission to guilt. It’s a recognition of power that you seize when you stop blaming people.” - Will Smith

It’s miracle I’m here

On paper, my upbringing can seem like it was not conducive to someone growing into a positive, hungry-for-more-life person.

People hear my full story and they think I should be dead inside, have issues from the trauma, perhaps an addiction, too. I get it.

I have demons. I never thought I would live to see my late twenties.

My life changed when I made the decision to not be victim to the shitty situation I grew up in.

I will not settle.

It feels like I am just getting started.

Never Lower The Bar