Why Are Some People Always Single?
Always is a strong word but I’ve been single for almost 6 years, which is most of my 20s.
I go on dates. I’ve seen guys for several months exclusively but never long or meaningful enough to call him my boyfriend or post our photo for people to know. Nothing like that since my last relationship which was over half a decade ago.
Christmas in New York is the most romantic time of year. This year, it had me wondering - why am I always single?
Why are some of my girlfriends still single? Since I’ve known them, they never had a boyfriend.
They’re smart, driven, beautiful, and kind yet no one has locked them down even though I know they’ve been open to dating the right guy.
Why I think we’re always single—
1. No one meets our rising expectations
Hypothetically, here’s what we want in a boyfriend at different life stages:
High school:
he’s cute
perhaps plays for the high school team athletically or musically
College:
he’s focused on life after college
he’s attractive
and he’s social, has good friends
Working:
he’s stable
he’s emotionally available
and self-aware
while leading a healthy lifestyle
In high school, most women don’t care if their boyfriend is smart. At that age, how they look overrides if they made honor roll.
In college, I noticed we started caring about him being smart not in terms of high GPA, more so in terms of life choices. How well is this guy going to do once he’s out of college?
By the time we’re working, our expectations skyrocket. Here’s where I’m nuanced because my dating pool for the working world was New York City. Mid 20s New York City men have an ego that you don’t often encounter in other cities. With so many gorgeous women in New York, they know they have the pick of the crop and they aren’t looking for monogamous relationships.
2. We mistake feeling empowered with being single
Destiny’s Child, Kelly Clarkson, and Ariana Grande tell us that we don’t need a man and we’re independent women.
And they’re right.
We are independent women and we don’t need a man.
It makes us feel good to remember that and regain that power so much that we over-index on thinking the only way to feel good and powerful is to be single.
We subconsciously link our powerful independence with our relationship status when a healthy relationship is still empowering for both of you.
It’s reconditioning ourselves.
3. We are interested in dating but it’s not our priority
Most women I know want to meet the right guy. They believe he’s out there but when it comes to dating men, they never prioritize the time for it.
We like to believe that he’ll walk into our life one day. Common things I hear and personally used to think:
“The best things in life happen when you least expect it.”
“I’ll live my best life and he’ll come along.”
I put my career before dating for my whole life. It shows in my microdecisions like deciding not to text until I’m on lunch or done with work, choosing team happy hours over hanging out with him, cancelling on Sunday dinners due to a Monday deadline.
My mid-20s priorities looked something like:
career
health
friends and family
hobbies
guy I met on Hinge
At that time, I didn’t care enough and wasn’t swooned by anyone I had met yet.
4. We get too used to our beautifully single life
We learn to take ourselves out on dates, brunch with girlfriends, and have TaskRabbit for any fixing we need in the apartment.
Now, a guy can only add.
And to add this beautiful life, he has to be pretty great. This is where we’re back to reason 1: no one meets our rising expectations.
I think once we feel like we created a life for ourselves as an individual, we’re set, babe. We love our lives.
So walk in Mr. Right and change is hard. Regardless of how similar your partner is, there is always something to accommodate.
It’s Like Clay
I think when we’re young we’re a lot more malleable and easy to shape. We are willing to form values together with the person in our life. As we grow, we form our own values and over time, they become solid foundations to who we are as a person.
The partner we’re looking for isn’t able to shape us as much and vice versa.
Staying open-hearted for the person who feels right is key, I think.
BUT What do I really know?
I’ve been single for awhile and I’m excited to be someone’s partner. I like the version of myself who is a girlfriend.
Alright, Merry Christmas ya filthy animals in love. :)