How to Improve Your Ability to Make Small Talk

You don’t.

I have never met anyone who likes small talk.

People, such as yourself, do it for 3 reasons—

1. You want to get to know someone, maybe be friends or more than that.

2. You want something from someone.

3. You want to fill the silence.

Addressing reason #1, there is no point in improving your ability to small talk. Instead you should be improving your ability to connect with a person.

Small talk means asking about their weekend, maybe about their work, maybe a surface-level compliment or two. Essentially, it’s meaningless and no one cares.

Connecting means 2 or more people understand each other and perhaps even share some common ground.

Small talk is a start but you should be working to pivot the conversation to be more meaningful by being curious, present, and vulnerable. As a result, you become more memorable.

BE CURIOUS

People like talking to people who make conversation easy.

If you’re curious about the person or whatever topic you’re talking about, then you’ll naturally ask some real questions, giving the other person guidance on what to say.

BE PRESENT

Stop checking your phone. It’s so rude and makes the person feel like crap.

People love talking about themselves and their passions.

If they are speaking on that and you’re distracted by replying to texts or reading previews on your home screen, you lost them. They’re most likely turned off by your low behavior.

BE VULNERABLE

You can ask some of the best, insightful, thoughtful questions ever but there are people who don’t like to open up right away. You can make people feel more comfortable by being more vulnerable and sharing a story or some things about you first.

OK, REASONS 2 AND 3

Addressing reason #2: Small talk because you want something. Ask them upfront. No one has time for BS as you beat around the bush until you get to your question. Be respectful of their time, be polite in your manner and get to the point.

Addressing reason #3: Small talk to fill the silence. It’s common in the United States to engage in small talk with a stranger based on that you’re both in the same physical space and if you don’t, it can read as being unfriendly. Keep these exchanges simple and sweet because in these simple conversations, your body language will speak louder than your words.

Keep an open stance and smile —with your whole face, not just your mouth— and do the chat dance “hey, how are you? I’m fine and you? great, have you been here before, blabbity blabbity blah…”

See I’d write off this type of meaningless small talk but you never know who you’re going to meet. First impressions last and I can write a whole other article about that.