Something I've Never Told Anyone

I grew up wanting to die.

That’s the opening line to my autobiography.

I thought about suicide from when I was as a child up until my early twenties.

In my teens, I thought it the most. My body splattered right in front of an 18-wheeler, perfect way to go I figured. The idea of ending my life would seep into my mind once a day, if not once a week, minimum.

I didn’t feel depressed but I carried a lot of pain. I had no idea that entertaining suicide was frightening or dangerous or not normal.

I was in 9th grade when I met a kid in school and we got really honest about life. I learned that he never, ever, not once, thought about ending his life. I was so shocked. I didn’t believe him. I challenged him saying he was joking and disillusioned and that everyone must’ve atleast once in their life wanted to die. (Right?)

Immediately, I started to wonder what kind of good life he had to be living to not want to exit from it.

I got envious.

And at 14, I was realized I was the odd ball out. While there are teens who think about it too, most people like living life. So I never brought up my suicidal thoughts again because I was afraid it would isolate me and worry people.

I liked my life. I liked everything outside my home and my family.

The first time I went a whole month without thinking about suicide was July 2018. I lived in California and I spent more time in the Pacific ocean and running under the bluest skies I’ve ever seen.

At the time, I was seeing this guy and I told him that “this is the longest I’ve gone without thinking about suicide.” He looked at me and started to cry. I intended to share it as good news, happy news but I can imagine how heavy it is to know that there was a long time we were together and he had no idea about the mental wars I was fighting in my head.

After that, I didn’t mention it again.

Instead, I wrote many poems about it and kept them all to myself.

Last night, I was with my friends here in California. We sat in the backyard around a fire under the stars. They asked me why I loved life the way I do and where my energy comes from it to live it so fully.

With a sober mind, I explained my story.

There was a big part of me that was convinced I was not going make it this far. Life got unbearably heavy and painful when I was 17 that I was certain that was it for me. Nothing in the future could be worth the suffocating weight I had to hold.

Yet I’m here. I’m alive and in love with life.

I don’t think about suicide anymore.

And I haven’t thought about it in what feels like a very, very long time.

Life got tremendously brighter as I grew into my mid twenties. I built my life the way I dreamed it. I tasted the goodness of freedom. I moved weightlessly all over the world. God took care of me in countless ways. I felt the kindest, softest, warmest love from friends, lovers, and strangers.

In many ways, I am living the life I prayed for.

But even with all this know that I grew up wanting to die and it is by God’s grace, I decided every day to fight.

I am healing the darkest parts of myself.

And I want to write about it.