How Change Will Always Test You as a Person

Stomach in knots, mentally freaking the F out, feeling heavy and thinking about all the things that can go wrong-- I’ve been here before.

During my years of high school varsity track, my main events were the 800m and 1600m races. Before every race, I always felt like throwing up.

Wearing my maroon Dwight Morrow track uniform, I would get onto the field, wait for the line up, and feel insanely anxious. I love to run and I have a competitive spirit so races are fun for me but they are also incredibly nerve-racking because races can be so transformative to an athlete. I would have an insatiable hunger to be the fastest and a heavy fear of losing before the race even started. I could somehow exhaust myself before my feet hit the track.

One time, I even approached my coach, a minute before my race, begging to sit it out. I was so panicked, I wanted to surrender before I even tried. I was a nervous fucking wreck.

See here-- I’m convinced that before you do anything that tests you as a person, you freak out. Anytime that you’re voluntarily making a big change in your life without there being any conditions of necessity for change, hell yeah, it’s fucking scary.

Everything in your world wants to remain in homeostasis. You’re comfortable and you like it there. I don’t have to move to California right now. I could stay here on the east coast and work in New York City.

I did not have to run each of those mile and half-mile races. I could have sat out of the events, not showed up to meets, or just quit the team entirely.

But I never did. I refused to fold. I always finished my season because at the end of the day, I loved track.

Thinking back, I never hurled before any of my races. I held on, got onto the white starting line, and at the shot of the gun, I ran.

Let me tell you though, there have been times when I sprinted across the finishline, straight to the fence and vomited. Throwing up from all the anxiety and lactic acid in my body.

And you know, I always felt a little bit better.

I won’t give in. The feelings will pass.

Everything is going to be okay.