The Defining Decade by Meg Jay, PhD
As a woman who acts with a sense of urgency and loves to move fast, I know my twenties (aka right now) are a crucial part of my life and I'm confident most of my friends know, too. But if you're not convinced these are some of the most important years, then you should certainly read the introduction. Lots of great points in the book, here are my personal key takeaways-
WORK
Figuring out who you are is the same as building your identity capital and it can only be built through commitments and processes.
"Identity capital: the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time; the investment we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are.... twentysomethings who take the time to explore and also have the nerve to make commitments along the way construct stronger identities." (p6-7)
It's the people who you meet at happy hours, friends' apartment warmings, and birthday brunches that will drastically change your life. Not your best friends, but you need those, too.
"True interconnectedness rests not on texting best friends at one a.m., but on reaching to weak ties that make a difference in our lives even though they don't have to."
So the next time you're stuck between staying home and going to your coworker's barbecue, always go.
LOVE
I envision myself getting married and I think finding the right partner is the most impactful decision one will make in their life. And yeah, sometimes it freaks me out if I'll never find the one for me or worse, I marry the wrong person. While I know the right partner is critical to a happy and successful life, I continue to pursue this area of my life rather passively. I work hard at my job, learn who I am as a person, strengthen my body, build new life skills, and kind of think the right person will just show up? Like attracts like? And maybe this isn't the way to do it? Who knows? How does one find love? I mean, what even is love?
I digressed.
"Some research tells us that, especially in young couples, the more similar two people's personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship. Personality is about how we are in the world, and this infuses everything we do." (p117)
The author goes on to talk about the Big Five- Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
"The more similar your personalities, the smoother things may be. By knowing something about his or her personality you have the opportunity to be more understanding about why he or she does the very different (or annoying) thing that he or she does. That goes a long way toward bridging differences." (p121)
I fall on the higher end of C, E, and A, in the middle-high of O, and middle of N.
Reading through it, anyone can easily tell where they land but if you want to take a test, google "the Big Five personality test" and you'll get a plethora of suggestions. I'm not suggesting you label yourself or your partner today or apply this to your future potential partners. I'm simply sharing a neat chart. Do what you want with it.
Be picky about the right things. To do this, you need to know your values.
"Be picky about the things that might matter in twenty years, such as extreme differences in values or goals or personality-- or whether you love each other. There will always be differences of some kind but that's not what will kill a relationship. It's what you do with the differences.
Do you know what they are going in?
Have you thought about how they will affect your life?
Are you prepared to bridge or even accept them?" (p127)
THE BRAIN AND THE BODY
Now (like right now) is the time to learn and form and grow into who we want to be. How empowering is that?!
"Communication in the brain takes place at the level of the neuron and the brain is made up of one hundred billion of these, each which can make thousands of different connections. 'The neurons that fire together, wire together.' While the post-twentysomething brain is still plastic, never again will we be so quick to learn new things. Never again will it be so easy to become the people we hope to be. The risk is that we may not act now." (p141)Confidences comes from results. Results come from action. Thus, confidence = action.
"Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Whether we are talking about love or work, the confidence that overrides insecurity comes from experience. There is no other way." (p159)
I think your twenties are a great time to get really (and I mean, really) good at something. You have the time and the energy more than ever right now. It's up to you about how disciplined and committed you are.It's 100% okay to change your mind. Look, I'm huge on personal branding and commitment but how exhausting is it to be the same person all the time?! We should change as we grow. We should be impressionable and influenced by our experiences and the new people we meet.
"Changes are happening just as long-term careers and relationships are being decided, these same shifts can lead to very different lives. The twenties are a time when people and personalities are poised for transformation." (p166)
The final chapter of the book is on fertility, how women can most likely have children in their late 20s and all that fun reproductive stuff. Good to know, right? Fun? Sure. Considering that I'm not even close to being married, the thought right now of having offspring is absurd. In time, Dr. Jay, in time.
Instead, I leave you with this-
"There is a sign just outside of Rocky Mountain National Park that reads in big, bold letters: MOUNTAINS DON'T CARE. Adulthood is sort of like that. There are things that just are what they are. The smartest thing to do is know as much about them as you can." (p200)